Three Little Words

Have you ever noticed that the strongest phrases are always three little words? The first two that come to mind, "I love you" and "I hate you." Even just typing that last one made me cringe, bleck. I do not like that phrase. And then, why is it so hard to say, "I love you?" Why is it this nerve racking thing to do in a relationship? Just envisioning saying that again to someone romantically is making me sweat right now. Seriously, come feel my palms. That phrase is difficult for me to say beyond my family members. I love a lot of people, but for some reason it feels like I'm playing Chubby Bunny when I say it. Does anyone else experience this?

In two weeks 2014 will come to an end. Can you believe that? Man, this year, it's been a doosey. As much as I am so ready to close it and start afresh, I can't help but step back and be thankful for the tough journey. Jesus wasn't lying when he said this in Matthew 7, "13 Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Small and narrow...difficult but worth it...is road that leads to life. I came across this quote from Oswald Chambers the other day and it took my breath away. If someone was like, "Sarah what is your 2014 yearbook quote?" This would be it, "If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.” My purpose? To make people feel loved. Specifically, to help women who have experienced pain and are hurting from deep wounds to see and feel the love of Christ and to find confidence beyond anything they knew was possible in the grace of God. 

How do we make people feel loved? By saying three little words to them? Yes, but more importantly helping them hear and experience God saying those words to them. Here is the thing about being deeply wounded, we learn to listen to the other "three little words" (the h word) more than the "l word." We listen to a lot of three little words: You're ugly, you're unworthy, you're pathetic, you are dumb, you are average, you are foolish, you have failed, you keep failing, you should quit....etc, etc. I hope none of those sound familiar, but I know that for a lot of you, they do. When we listen to those phrases for so long, we become immune to the positive things people say and the truth that Christ is speaking to us through others. So how do we overcome the lies Satan speaks not only to us but to the ones we love? By being annoying! Yes! By showing love on top of love to others. Genuinely though. We need to be genuinely annoying!

But, seriously. When I was first working through my healing process, people annoyed the heck out of me. Texting me, calling me, lying to me....oops did I say that? What they were doing was speaking truth to me, and the truth was...how can I put this lightly... ANNOYING AS HELL! I can't describe it, in my mind I knew they were speaking truth, but I just was so hardened to it that it felt fake. Eventually though, looking back, I'm so so so so so so soo grateful beyond measure for their persistence. I began to believe what they were saying to me, and eventually, I heard my Savior saying those things to me.

Words are powerful. "Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." That is a load of crap...stop telling people that. "The tongue has the power of life and death.."- Proverbs 18:21. Words are powerful and words haunt us. Broken bones heal, but the emotional damage from words, that's deeper than physical pain. It use to be easier for me to look back and pick out the hurtful things people said to me than it was to find the encouragement. Not so much anymore. We have to help people find confidence. We have to help people find grace. We have to help people find those things in the Lord. And we have to be patient with them through the process. Give them space, give them grace, but keep loving them. The worst thing someone can hear from you, is to "get over it," another three little word phrase that can further the feeling of defeat. Let's look at this passage from James (3:5) and consider it's power, "Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark." What if the forest fire we start in someone is one of grace, truth, and the powerful and healing love of Jesus Christ? 

Need some help finding the words to speak? Here are some more extremely powerful three little words to tell people: 
You are loved. 
You are worthy.
You are forgiven.
You are strong.
You are dignified.
You are beautiful (or handsome).
You are smart.
You are important.
You are precious. 
You are irreplaceable. 
You have purpose. 
You have promise. 
I love you. Always, always, always. I love you. 

So my prayer for you as you cruise into 2015, is that you allow God to break your heart for what breaks his. I pray that he breaks your heart in a way that reveals his purpose, his plan, and his will for your life and the lives around you. I pray that he breaks your heart in a way that refines you, strengthens you, and gives you boldness to proclaim his name. Let there be a victory in our lives and the lives around us because we know we are loved by the Father and there is NOTHING that even comes close to comparing. 

You are great. You are wonderful. You are special. I love you. I love you. I love you. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! 

Choose Strength: A Thanksgiving Post

This Thanksgiving, I am filled with many emotions. I am thankful for so many things, like...
My parents, duh, they are the best
My brother and my new sister, Katie
My extended family for allowing me to come visit
Answered Prayers
Sports
Passing Grades
etc...

But, the thing I am really the most thankful for, is my new beginning and the strength the Lord gave me to get here. It was a wobbly past year. I felt the stir to move and start school when my heart and faith were weak. I moved with a little more strength, but not much. The last few months however, I have felt this surge of strength. Every day I wake up, I choose to be stronger, because I choose the Lord.

At every point, decision, and turn in our lives we have the opportunity to choose strength. Things are going to get you down, days are going to stink, and seasons will be flat out crappy to get through, but in each of those moments you can choose to be strong and strong in the Lord and his promise to deliver.

I am reminded of the woman who was prone to bleeding in Matthew. It's not a huge and significant passage in Matthew. Actually it's stuck right in the middle of Jesus going to raise the dead girl in Matthew 9. The lady was in the crowd, and she knew if she could just touch the robe of Jesus, just the thread, she would be healed. A small amount of faith, lead to great amounts of strength.

Sometimes the things we have to do in life are hard, but the majority of life is pretty great. But that pretty great part, is up to us. We can sit and hide from the potential God has given us, or we can stand up in our weakness, with our tiny mustard seed of faith, and be strong, and do GREAT things.

I'm thankful for weakness.
I'm thankful for courage.
I'm thankful for healing.
I'm thankful for STRENGTH.

And I'm thankful for you!

Choose Strength.
#sheisstrong

 He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

Unlock the Door

I've been thinking about my Grandma Thomas lately. I think one reason is because my brother and I have had a really exciting year. Big life changes, kind of year. I wish she could be a part, but even more, I know my mom wishes she was here to experience it all.  I'd love to hear her reaction, thoughts, and feelings about the stuff that I'm journeying through. I know she'd probably be really proud of me and say, "that's good." We weren't too big on expression in that family. If my grandpa wanted to say he loved us, he'd changed the wiper fluid. One thing I do remember well, is my Grandma made her opinion known through her expression. I was looking through pictures, and I finally learned where I got my turned up nose, roll of the eyes look. Y'all know what I mean. Here...Look. Love that little nose.

I loved her so much. She taught me many things in my life, but the most important lesson I learned from her was patience. She was a tiny, little angel. She was the most patient and loving woman that I knew, she taught the women in the family to be strong and loving. My mom had a great role model, and now I have two. I found her gloves in my pocket the other day, right in the middle of a stress ball of a week, and I sat and wept. It was just a reminder to slow down, be patient, and push on.

This post isn't about patience. Sorry mom and Aunt Elaine, I'm sure I've got the tears going already...hold on one more minute. 

Who could stay mad at this face?

I have a story to share with you. I don't know why, other than God working in my life that this story came to my mind when it did. I was a very hard-headed child. I still am quite stubborn, but I've calmed down tremendously. One summer, we were visiting my grandparents in Terre Haute, which is only a few hours away from Chicago. My mom and dad decided to take a day trip there with my brother John, while I would spend some quality time with Grandma. I was probably about 4 at this time, so this is more of a story memory than an actual memory, for all I know, it was John that got left...Anyways, I apparently was very ill with this decision and locked myself in the room for the entirety of the trip. Nothing my grandma said or did got me out of that room. #stubborn #hardheaded #Iknow Looking/thinking back, I bet my grandma had some really fun things

planned for us, because we did a lot together, and I probably missed out on a great day. My family likes to remind me of this from time to time, and I honestly have a mix of shame and guilt when I think about this, and then I remember I was like 4...so there isn't much I can do now. When I was 18, I started making trips to the Haute on my own to spend time with them, and I can't express how thankful I am that I did that.

I was thinking about this story and it hit me, "How many times have I pitched a fit and missed out on life?" I mean, literally, I have pitched a lot of fits in my life, I had some brat like tendencies. But, beyond that, how many times have I been so focused on what I had not, what I was lacking, or why I was going through a hurting season, and not seen, heard, or followed the call of God? How many lives went unloved by me because I was sitting in my ill-willed mind? How many fun journeys and life experiences have I missed because I just ignored the greater design of life? Even worse...how many times did I clearly hear God call me somewhere, and I ignored it, because it wasn't "as fun?" 

I felt a clear call to come to seminary, I dropped everything, and left. I haven't seriously regretted it yet (just small grumbles), because I KNEW that God wasn't just calling me back to school, he was calling me on an incredible journey. I could have stayed and wallowed in my hurt, or I could have unlocked the door and enjoy. I know there have been times were I felt similar callings, not huge life transitioning ones, but gentle nudges to do things, and I ignored them intentionally. I know that people still heard and felt the the love of God with out me, because His will WILL be done, with or with out me. 

So, if God is planning a fun filled day/journey/life, why not experience it? God longs for us to be a part of His story, but his story doesn't stop because we have decided to be stubborn and choose our own will, our own way. His story doesn't end because we lock ourselves in our rooms because we don't agree with what's happening. So if His story continues with or with out us....why not just be a part of it?

Live a life in eager expectation of what lies ahead. Go on an adventure with the one who has planned more than you've ever imagined. 

Unlock the door!

--SM

Let's be Real

I've been toying around with what to blog about for the past couple of weeks. A lot has been on my mind, and I want to express everything, but I also know that not everyone needs to know everything. Some ideas have been finding balance, singleness, and my goal to finding and keeping hope.  I don't want to be redundant, repetitively so, in my push for us to find hope, but it was the winner. The purpose of this blog as a whole is to find healing for our wounds, and healing involves hope, a lot of it.

First off, this post was really difficult for me to write. I felt more vulnerable then normal. Mainly, because I'm writing about insecurities that I've been shoving under the rug. Let me start off with something familiar. Proverbs 31:25 (my mantra, my passion, my purpose) "She is CLOTHED in STRENGTH and DIGNITY..." Reading this post, let's be vulnerable together. Where being insecure leaves us naked out in the cold, being vulnerable acknowledges our nakedness and clothes us with strength! Let's begin!



I've been on this journey of sitting and listening to the Lord. Sometimes I actually do hear stuff, clearly and directly, but mostly, I feel things. I feel nudges in my thoughts. So here we go. Time to get real. Here's the major nudge lately.

God’s been nudging my heart about singleness. (Not like, “haha…you’re single” kind of nudging because that belongs to Satan. He is the father of lies.) God's been stretching my mind, filling gaps and holes, illuminating areas of growth, giving me freedom, and you guessed it, hope.  Here’s the thing about God. He loves to watch us grow, like nobody’s business. He loves it! But, he refuses to leave us at a plateau. There will always be room for new growth. That’s the business of hope you know.  Look here: 

“And we REJOICE in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has POURED OUT his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” 

Romans 5:2-5

I am living these verses out. The Holy Spirit has made itself known in such a mighty way as I journey through processing my thoughts and feelings about this stage of my life. I said it a few posts ago, but I really thought moving here would solve everything immediately. I was wrong. Brokenness still remains, but there is so much joy in my life, that I truly see beauty in this brokenness and I wouldn't change how I feel for a moment. So that’s good. Here’s some truth though. I still struggle with a lot of insecurities. Mostly I have this huge insecurity of worth. Let me be real with you. I really want to be worth someone’s time. I want to be treasured. I want someone to acknowledge who I am, my heart, my emotions, my fears, all of it. I thought that’s what I wanted at least. I thought finding someone in this brokenness would be the bees knees.  This is where the Holy Spirit has been like, “HEY! Look at me, look at me, start thinking about this for a minute, see what you think.” What if I started taking those desires I CRAVE from men, and I actually sought after and sat with those thoughts with the Lord? Because, do you want to know something? He is always, ALWAYS validating us. It’s long, but let's take a look at David's (a KING for goodness sake!) struggle with insecurity in Psalm 139 (I've added some emphasis that I want you to notice): 

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you. (Psalm 139:1-18 NIV)

Psalm 139…let’s just thank the Lord for it for a minute. David's search for validation from God provides everything I crave from men. Our God, is constantly validating us if we would just listen and sit. He knows when and where we go, he knows our thoughts, he sees and loves our body, he knows our workings, he knows our weakness and failures, strengths and accomplishments, and still chooses to love us. My biggest insecurity is not being on someone’s priority list. Now, I don’t want someone to be obsessed with me, but I want to feel like a factor. I've been a factor to the King of Kings since He knit me together, with precise and intricate detail in our secret place. That's pretty validating. 

I won’t get into all my insecurities on here, they are many in number. But, I know there are some of you who may read this and think, “how does she know what I’m thinking?!” Don't worry, I can’t read your mind, but the business of insecurity is so alive in this generation (women and men, but really I can only speak for women). We live in a culture where we are taught that we are less than, and we shouldn’t speak about our feelings of "less-than-ness". I have this vision. I have this vision of a generation of women rising up, claiming their insecurities and nailing them to the cross of our Savior. It’s a pretty earth shattering vision. The bravest thing you can say to someone in your broken journeys is, "me too." Be vulnerable in the struggle.

                           

Okay! So if you are feeling less than, please know that is not our Heavenly Father speaking over you. Satan is really good at what he does. Here is an example: One night I was having a pity party. I had been struggling with some mistakes made, things said and not said, forgiveness that needed to be given, etc etc. You know how pity parties work, right? I’m not the only one! And I heard so clearly, “You know Sarah, the wage of sin is death.  And this sin, this insecurity, and this weaknesses of yours they define you. They’re not worth getting over, because, you have already lost the battle. Truth is, you are not worth it. Haven’t you learned that by now from all your failed relationships? No one wants to be with you, because you need to much. You are not that important. You confidence is undeserving.” To be honest with you I allowed those thoughts to sit with me and break my spirit and my heart. Those words sounded so familiar. “The wage of sin is death…” man that sounds familiar doesn’t it? Here is why: “For the wage of sin is death….BUT the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord”-Romans 6:23. It sounded familiar because it is SCRIPTURE. Satan knows scripture, but he leaves out really, REALLY important parts. The wage of sin is death, but we were deemed worthy and given the gift of eternal life. How much more validation do I need than Jesus Christ choosing me, choosing to forgive ME, on that cross on Calvary? With mockers on his left and right. He laid on that cross and chose me. I don’t know about you, but when I put it in that light, nothing else matters. I’m worthy. And so are you. Jesus didn’t pick his favorites or say iniminiminimo, I pick the very best one. He didn’t close his eyes, point his finger, and spin around. He chose you. You are precious. You are worthy. That insecurity that is mocking you, that sin that keeps tripping you up, it’s not of a Holy presence. Know that.

So, promise me something, let’s conquer this lie that’s been whispered (and sometimes yelled) to us. Let’s acknowledge the thoughts, don’t ignore them, but then after saying "hey" to that thought, let's say a firm "goodbye" and let’s let go of it and nail it on the cross. Let’s be brave together. I promise to go on this journey with you. Let’s step out on grace. Let’s live in the freedom of forgiveness. Cool?

If you want to continue this conversation in real life, I’d love to chat with you. Let’s not hide anymore.

To close…

Don’t ignore those little nudges because it's most likely going to change your life.

Know your loved...

...by the Father

...by the King

...by the Holy of Holies.

Be confident and secure because our Rock cannot and will not be shaken.

I love you. I really do. But more importantly so does God. Seriously. I promise you. Pinky promise. There is not a truer promise than the love that is lavished over us. 

Who the Son sets free, he is free indeed.

Drinking from a Fire Hydrant

It's been a good minute since I've blogged. I can give you a good and true excuse, that I've been super busy with school work. Grad school, it's difficult. Seminary, it's overwhelming. I got it though, don't worry. The real reason I haven't written is, I have been so spiritually drained. I realize that seems backwards being in seminary and all. 

I've had a lot of guilt about this feeling of being drained and it's taken me a bit to process it. But, this blog is about authenticity. So here we go, let's explore.


Have you ever felt undeserving? Undeserving of grace, love, forgiveness? Do you ever feel like you have to work extra hard to get on the good side of Christ? I have felt this way, pretty much my whole life. I feel like I am always on the catching up side of grace. If I go a little faster, talk a little sweeter, smile a little more, stop worrying, keep going, etc etc,  I will finally feel this "peace" that everyone talks about. 

"Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil.4: 6-7

Can I be honest with you? This notion of being inadequate is why I'm drained. I have been kicking my butt into the high gear of holiness. I tell myself, "Do this, go here, say this, don't do this." I have yet to stop and sit and bask in the glory of the Lord. I have been so frustrated with myself. "GROW SARAH...GROW!!" I've been upset that since moving here I still have resinating feelings of being undeserving and insecurities of inadequacy. I feel like, I am standing in front of a fire hydrant, with my mouth open, drowning. Does anyone else feel this way? I hope so...

Here is some good news. Be patient. We are in the GROAN zone. It's not so bad, because look what's next, the GROWTH zone. We've got this. Be patient as we groan to the Living and Active God. He is doing new things.

“Remember not the former things nor consider the things of old.Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

Isaiah 43: 18-19

There is a crack of light in the darkness that we feel. Because take a look at the verse above, I want to point out something very important. It says "I am DOING a new thing," not I DID a new thing. We don't have to play catch up, we don't have to work harder, be smarter, do more stuff to win or get to the grace of God. What we do have to do is to simply come, humbly and broken, to the great Healer. Then, we listen and follow. It's that simple. It's a process, and we just have to keeping seeking. 

Be renewed and refreshed. 

A Hazy Daze

I highly recommend The Giver. First read the book, obviously, but then watch the movie! It's an easy read, you can do it! Just a small spoiler. In the opening scene the main character is riding his bike through the community. Background- this is utopia, black and white, no differences, all equal. Jonas, says I've always known that I've seen things differently. He is looking up at the trees and sees a faint color of green. I don't normally analyze movies, I'm not very good at it. I watch a movie purely for entertainment. The book (and movie) is full of great one liners and I won't spoil them for you, but this scene really stuck with me. I was reminded of the story where Jesus healed the blind man. Take a look at it here:

They came to Bethsaida, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man’s eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, “Do you see anything?” He looked up and said, “I see people; they look like trees walking around.”Once more Jesus put his hands on the man’s eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearlyJesus sent him home, saying, “Don’t even go into the village.” 

--Mark 8: 22-26

Maybe it was the fuzzy trees that made me make this connection, or that this story was about Jonas finding his purpose and I was relating to that journey, I don't know, but it sent me down this rabbit hole of prayer.

I remember coming out of surgery in March and being so disoriented. Everyone around me has got it together, saying this and that to me, and I'm like, "where am I?!" I lost 2 hours of my life. It's sort of scary when you think about it like that. The doctor asked me a few weeks later, "Do you remember talking to me in post-op?" "Nope, not at all." That's scary. I don't even remember talking to someone. I know I was coming off drugs and what not, but seriously, doesn't that sort of freak you out a little? Have you ever had surgery? Or had to take pain killers? Or just been so outrageously tired that you were in a daze?




This hazy confusion  is how I imagine the blind man in this story in Mark. Let's just state the obvious and move on, it is super gross that Jesus spit on a man's eyes. He heals the man once, and he says that everyone looks like trees. That isn't good enough for Jesus, because He knows that people do not look like trees, so the healing wasn't done. So he does it again, he spits, and puts his hands on the man's eyes. When he opens his eyes, his vision is restored and he sees everything CLEARLY.  This story has always been a favorite. We've seen stories of Jesus healing in mighty ways. Once just said the words be healed, and the man was healed, he raised a man from the dead, he healed a man who was paralyzed, he healed many, many, many people. He is a super creative guy when it comes to his miracles, and I like that. But in this story, he doesn't get it right the first time? That's weird. I think he does this for a variety of different reasons, but for the purpose of this post, I'll stick with one. Jesus wants us to be healed. He wants us to be free from our hurting and the chains that bind us to our earthly desires. And we want that healing too don't we? I don't think I've ever met someone who was like, "THIS PAIN IS AWESOME. YAAA! LET'S BUILD A SPACESHIP!!!" (Lego movie reference). This story illustrates to me that healing is a process.

I'm not going to lie, I definitely thought that moving to Kentucky would instantly heal me. I thought that there would be this wave of relief and release of sadness in my life. I had been on this journey of healing, and I was certain that Asbury was the end all of my pain. I got cocky. I decided that I had figured enough out and I didn't really need God's help anymore. I found a steady rhythm and that was that. I was super duper wrong about that. To paraphrase what a friend reminded me of "if the healing is so instant, then I may need to reconsider the bandaid." Healing takes time, it's a process. Jesus could have restored that man's vision instantly. He also could have left his vision to be distorted, and made that the new norm, but he didn't. He refused to leave him with a distorted view on life. Jesus refuses to leave me in this mud pile. Jesus refuses to let YOU have a distorted view of YOUR life. 

This is what I know to be true. I am the daughter of the King. I am worthy of His love. I am worthy of His healing. I am worthy. I apologize if this blog comes across as this whine of loneliness, it truly isn't meant to be that way. It is a cry of brokenness. I want to be honest with you, because with honesty, chains are broken and I don't know about you, but my chains are starting to make my back ache.

Here is my challenge for myself and for you! Read and live this out with me!

For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing.  For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies. While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life.  God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit. So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him... If it seems we are crazy, it is to bring glory to God. And if we are in our right minds, it is for your benefit. Either way, Christ’s love controls us.Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life. He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them. So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now!  This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 

--2 Corinthians 5: 1-9, 14-17

Out with the old, in with the new. 

Remember that Jesus came and died that we may have life abundantly, not life distortedly. 

Keep it up my friends.

Check out this beautiful reflection: You are not alone.

Broken Vessel

I am in my second week of being an Asburian? Wilmorite? Seminarian?...a new student. Asbury holds "intensive" courses. They are aptly named. It is one whole 3 hour course credit class, in a week's time. My intensive is about theories. Five days from 8-5. Theory. Theory about families. Theory about why families are dysfunctional. I don't think I have a "dysfunctional" family, but by Friday, I was having my doubts. I was warned about self-diagnosing. Man, was that warning ever so right. 

I doubted everything on Friday. Why am I here? What am I doing? Am I smart enough? Do I know enough? Blah blah blah. You get it, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever felt bad about themselves right? So Friday night, I took a drive. There is something healing about these Kentucky hills and the windows rolled down. I let the doubt settle, away from my heart and I let the King just sing his love over me.

So I began to think about and pray over this idea of doubt. This call to Asbury was unlike anything I have felt before. Have you ever felt something so strongly? Something that you knew had to be from none other than God? I knew that God was in and through this decision. Every step. But, there was this tiny black dot of doubt that was growing in my mind. I rested all weekend. I needed to let my brain recuperate from the copious amounts of information it had received the days before. Sometimes we need to do that. Close your eyes and tune out, even if it's just for an hour. 

One of my favorite reminders of being human is from Acts.

When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.

-Acts 4:13

I love this. I needed this reminder this weekend. What I received was totally...on time.

The sermon on Sunday at the church I visited was on doubt. And even better. Peter doubting. Friday night-I had my feet in two places. One stuck in the doubt that remains in this journey. The other, here, at Asbury, soaking it all in. So I let it go. All the doubt and insecurity. God used the ordinary and uneducated to be with Jesus. And the promise of hope continues, because God continues to use the ordinary and unschooled. I'm a broken soul, but I'm healing. I'm a hopeful wanderer. I'm pretty ordinary, quirky, but ordinary. And Jesus is using me.

So friends. Are you looking back or pressing forward? We got this guys. Press on.

"Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted.  Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,  and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” 

-Matthew 28: 16-20

pil·grim·age

I will be moving this week. 4 days to be exact. I have my weepy moments, but my excitement is so much greater than my anxiety. Which is odd for me, because I am typically a very anxious person when it comes to change. I'm sure the tummy ache will start any minute now...

I've said it a lot, but I'll say it again. This is more than going back to school for me. This is more than moving away from my hurt. This is even more than starting over fresh. This is my pilgrimage.

As I pack and repack and reflect on leaving this place called home, I'm reminded of these stories of Jesus. Stories that show is vulnerability, stories that show that he wasn't this emotionless robot, stories that reflect relatable humanness.

The first story is Jesus with the woman at the well. (John4) I want to point out a really important part of this story. This story is more than the truth of the Living Water. This story shows that Jesus got tired. "Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon. When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)" John 4: 6-8  JESUS got tired. I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel guilty about how worn out I feel. Lately, I have felt drained all the time. I could nap and nap and nap all day! Maybe it's the release of all my work stress no longer there, maybe it's the stress of the move, or maybe my body is getting back in college nap mode. I don't know why but I do know that I'm tired. I love this story because Jesus got tired too. I also like to note that his disciples to went to go get food while Jesus sat. I could be wrong, everyone has there own ideas and interpretations, but I can see Jesus saying, "Hey ya'll, why don't you go get us some food and I'll stay here and get water." And Jesus used that time for a little reprieve. It gave him time to talk to the Samaritan woman in a way that was so personal and sacred. Jesus was tired, but he still served.

Lesson 1: It's okay to be tired. It's okay to need a break. You can serve the Lord just as well in simple conversations than in grand gestures. 

The second story of Jesus is from Matthew 14. In Matthew 14 some pretty significant things happen. John the Baptist is beheaded and Jesus withdrew to pray alone. Then he meets a large crowd on the beach who are in need of healing and he shows compassion. THEN he proceeds to feed, oh no big deal, 5,000 men (not included are the children and women) with only 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. After this simple dinner party Jesus sends the disciples ahead on the boat and goes to the mountainside to pray alone. THEN he gracefully walks on the water, a storm comes, Peter tries and fails to walk with him because of a lack of faith, and then they land on the shore and Jesus heals some more sick people. That's Matthew 14. ANYWAYS. What I get from all this is that Jesus went alone to pray. Jesus had this huge tragedy in his best friend John dying, and went to a solitary place and prayed.  Immediately after that he heals and feeds thousands of people and after that he goes and prays alone. THEN he walks on water!! This leads me to believe that, it's okay to need to be alone. If anyone understands the term "burn out," I think that would be Jesus. Jesus shows us in these passages that it's okay to need to take a breath and be alone with our God. Jesus knew His calling, but he also knew that only his Father could refuel and refresh him. If we are expected to only serve, serve, serve, and give, give, give, we will fail. I didn't know how completely drained I was until I visited Asbury. I cried the whole way home because I honestly didn't know how I was going to make it through Vacation Bible School. It was certainly by the grace of God. I never took time in my two years to be apart, to take a breath, to be served myself. I heard a saying once, "Sometimes you must be apart before you fall apart." It's okay not to be on every committee, it's okay not to go to every luncheon or dinner, and it's okay to want to spend a Friday evening in your pjs and eat ice cream and watch mindless TV. Jesus knew about burn out and his way of defeating it was to pray alone with his Father. Asbury is my time to be apart. I will be in community and fellowship, but I also expect that this will be my time at the mountainside with God. How can you start finding time to be apart, so that you don't come apart?

Lesson 2: IT'S OKAY TO BE APART. Take time and be in solitude and pray and listen to our God who wants to speak directly to you!

And the last scripture that has been on my mind is Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. In Matthew 26.   Jesus is in the Garden on the night he was arrested. Jesus simply says to his friends, sit and watch guard while I go pray alone. Again, going alone to be with his Father. Now his friends are sleepy, and aren't the best at watching guard, but that's not the part I want to point out. Verse 39 says "he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”" What I love about this passage is that it shows Jesus's vulnerability. I think Jesus was scared, but he knew that if this was the Father's will than it must be done. Now, the majority of us are not going to have the calling on our lives to be crucified, but we will have certain things that God presses us to do. Sometimes these urges are small like take dinner to a friend or write a sweet note. But, some may be big, like picking up and moving, taking a new job, getting out of a toxic relationship, having a baby, I don't know....you name it. We are going to have doubts and be scared, but if what we know to be true about the callings that God puts on our lives, they are going to be prosperous. God's will will be done, even in the midst of our fear and confusion.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

Lesson 3: It's okay to have emotions. It's okay to have a little hesitation. It's not okay to let that fear take over and keep you from doing God's purpose for your life. Remember, "In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 37-39 

So this is my last blog before I am a Kentuckian (?)! This pilgrimage started in May, and I pray that it continues to be just as exciting. Where is your journey taking you? What is your journey going to intel? Wherever your journey goes and whatever you do on it, the journey will be awesome, because our God doesn't plan crap.

Hope and Peace my Friends!

SJ

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity