Drinking from a Fire Hydrant

It's been a good minute since I've blogged. I can give you a good and true excuse, that I've been super busy with school work. Grad school, it's difficult. Seminary, it's overwhelming. I got it though, don't worry. The real reason I haven't written is, I have been so spiritually drained. I realize that seems backwards being in seminary and all. 

I've had a lot of guilt about this feeling of being drained and it's taken me a bit to process it. But, this blog is about authenticity. So here we go, let's explore.


Have you ever felt undeserving? Undeserving of grace, love, forgiveness? Do you ever feel like you have to work extra hard to get on the good side of Christ? I have felt this way, pretty much my whole life. I feel like I am always on the catching up side of grace. If I go a little faster, talk a little sweeter, smile a little more, stop worrying, keep going, etc etc,  I will finally feel this "peace" that everyone talks about. 

"Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil.4: 6-7

Can I be honest with you? This notion of being inadequate is why I'm drained. I have been kicking my butt into the high gear of holiness. I tell myself, "Do this, go here, say this, don't do this." I have yet to stop and sit and bask in the glory of the Lord. I have been so frustrated with myself. "GROW SARAH...GROW!!" I've been upset that since moving here I still have resinating feelings of being undeserving and insecurities of inadequacy. I feel like, I am standing in front of a fire hydrant, with my mouth open, drowning. Does anyone else feel this way? I hope so...

Here is some good news. Be patient. We are in the GROAN zone. It's not so bad, because look what's next, the GROWTH zone. We've got this. Be patient as we groan to the Living and Active God. He is doing new things.

“Remember not the former things nor consider the things of old.Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

Isaiah 43: 18-19

There is a crack of light in the darkness that we feel. Because take a look at the verse above, I want to point out something very important. It says "I am DOING a new thing," not I DID a new thing. We don't have to play catch up, we don't have to work harder, be smarter, do more stuff to win or get to the grace of God. What we do have to do is to simply come, humbly and broken, to the great Healer. Then, we listen and follow. It's that simple. It's a process, and we just have to keeping seeking. 

Be renewed and refreshed.