pil·grim·age

I will be moving this week. 4 days to be exact. I have my weepy moments, but my excitement is so much greater than my anxiety. Which is odd for me, because I am typically a very anxious person when it comes to change. I'm sure the tummy ache will start any minute now...

I've said it a lot, but I'll say it again. This is more than going back to school for me. This is more than moving away from my hurt. This is even more than starting over fresh. This is my pilgrimage.

As I pack and repack and reflect on leaving this place called home, I'm reminded of these stories of Jesus. Stories that show is vulnerability, stories that show that he wasn't this emotionless robot, stories that reflect relatable humanness.

The first story is Jesus with the woman at the well. (John4) I want to point out a really important part of this story. This story is more than the truth of the Living Water. This story shows that Jesus got tired. "Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon. When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)" John 4: 6-8  JESUS got tired. I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel guilty about how worn out I feel. Lately, I have felt drained all the time. I could nap and nap and nap all day! Maybe it's the release of all my work stress no longer there, maybe it's the stress of the move, or maybe my body is getting back in college nap mode. I don't know why but I do know that I'm tired. I love this story because Jesus got tired too. I also like to note that his disciples to went to go get food while Jesus sat. I could be wrong, everyone has there own ideas and interpretations, but I can see Jesus saying, "Hey ya'll, why don't you go get us some food and I'll stay here and get water." And Jesus used that time for a little reprieve. It gave him time to talk to the Samaritan woman in a way that was so personal and sacred. Jesus was tired, but he still served.

Lesson 1: It's okay to be tired. It's okay to need a break. You can serve the Lord just as well in simple conversations than in grand gestures. 

The second story of Jesus is from Matthew 14. In Matthew 14 some pretty significant things happen. John the Baptist is beheaded and Jesus withdrew to pray alone. Then he meets a large crowd on the beach who are in need of healing and he shows compassion. THEN he proceeds to feed, oh no big deal, 5,000 men (not included are the children and women) with only 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. After this simple dinner party Jesus sends the disciples ahead on the boat and goes to the mountainside to pray alone. THEN he gracefully walks on the water, a storm comes, Peter tries and fails to walk with him because of a lack of faith, and then they land on the shore and Jesus heals some more sick people. That's Matthew 14. ANYWAYS. What I get from all this is that Jesus went alone to pray. Jesus had this huge tragedy in his best friend John dying, and went to a solitary place and prayed.  Immediately after that he heals and feeds thousands of people and after that he goes and prays alone. THEN he walks on water!! This leads me to believe that, it's okay to need to be alone. If anyone understands the term "burn out," I think that would be Jesus. Jesus shows us in these passages that it's okay to need to take a breath and be alone with our God. Jesus knew His calling, but he also knew that only his Father could refuel and refresh him. If we are expected to only serve, serve, serve, and give, give, give, we will fail. I didn't know how completely drained I was until I visited Asbury. I cried the whole way home because I honestly didn't know how I was going to make it through Vacation Bible School. It was certainly by the grace of God. I never took time in my two years to be apart, to take a breath, to be served myself. I heard a saying once, "Sometimes you must be apart before you fall apart." It's okay not to be on every committee, it's okay not to go to every luncheon or dinner, and it's okay to want to spend a Friday evening in your pjs and eat ice cream and watch mindless TV. Jesus knew about burn out and his way of defeating it was to pray alone with his Father. Asbury is my time to be apart. I will be in community and fellowship, but I also expect that this will be my time at the mountainside with God. How can you start finding time to be apart, so that you don't come apart?

Lesson 2: IT'S OKAY TO BE APART. Take time and be in solitude and pray and listen to our God who wants to speak directly to you!

And the last scripture that has been on my mind is Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. In Matthew 26.   Jesus is in the Garden on the night he was arrested. Jesus simply says to his friends, sit and watch guard while I go pray alone. Again, going alone to be with his Father. Now his friends are sleepy, and aren't the best at watching guard, but that's not the part I want to point out. Verse 39 says "he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”" What I love about this passage is that it shows Jesus's vulnerability. I think Jesus was scared, but he knew that if this was the Father's will than it must be done. Now, the majority of us are not going to have the calling on our lives to be crucified, but we will have certain things that God presses us to do. Sometimes these urges are small like take dinner to a friend or write a sweet note. But, some may be big, like picking up and moving, taking a new job, getting out of a toxic relationship, having a baby, I don't know....you name it. We are going to have doubts and be scared, but if what we know to be true about the callings that God puts on our lives, they are going to be prosperous. God's will will be done, even in the midst of our fear and confusion.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

Lesson 3: It's okay to have emotions. It's okay to have a little hesitation. It's not okay to let that fear take over and keep you from doing God's purpose for your life. Remember, "In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 37-39 

So this is my last blog before I am a Kentuckian (?)! This pilgrimage started in May, and I pray that it continues to be just as exciting. Where is your journey taking you? What is your journey going to intel? Wherever your journey goes and whatever you do on it, the journey will be awesome, because our God doesn't plan crap.

Hope and Peace my Friends!

SJ

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Stick a needle in my eye

I am officially all moved out and living with my wonderful parents for 2 weeks before I depart for Asbury. Packing became way more challenging than I anticipated. Shout out to my Mom for being the best helper EVER, she deserves way more than I can ever give her. Packing became a challenge because the weightiness of what is about to happen dawned on me. I'm starting over. I know that God knows my heart so well, but guess who else does? Satan. Satan knows so much about me. And boy, did I let him take this moving process and completely control my emotional state through it. 

For example. Last Friday evening my goal was to pack up my closet. I have a "system." I throw everything in the middle of the floor and sort. However, I just ended up laying on my clothes weeping and praying. "God, why am I starting to doubt? This is so clearly your calling for me life, but the doubt is creeping in and it hurts." Instead of listening to God's still small voice (After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:12) I listened to Satan's bellowing yell. I hate it when I do that. All this doubt, fear, and sadness crept in and I had an official pity party. I feared being happy. Yes, I have been joyful, but there are more moments in my life lately where I feel down than I do happy. I hope that makes sense. However, I have started feeling better and better and I know that will continue in Wilmore. Satan had gotten into my mind not that I couldn't be happy but that I shouldn't be happy.  I feared that if I truly let go of these bitter and grieving feelings that it will be pointless. I feared that if I just let myself enjoy the moment and think positively it will just boomerang to the negativity. Ultimately, I feared that my happiness and joy would be taken away. I was so happy, before and I let Satan convince me that those feelings of excitement and eagerness can be taken away in a snap. I let him say over and over, "if you enjoy these moments, you will regret it later. God took your happiness away once, and he will do it again." My friend came over in the nix of time. She told me Satan was poking me in the eye and that he was so clearly controlling my brain that it wasn't even me talking. I began to see the irrationality of my thought process. It's scary sometimes how Satan's voice can sound so similar to God's if we allow him to. 

That whole weekend was a battle of doubt and discouragement for me. I couldn't get out of it. I had glimpses of grace and would breath easy, but as soon as I relaxed, the worry started again. This began a discussion with God and others. Why is it easier to feel discouraged than strong and content in the Lord? Why is it easier to worry instead of giving it up to God? Why is it easier to listen to Satan speak lies over us, instead of listening to God sing His love over us? Maybe it's just me that feels this way. It's easier for me to sit and wallow than to get up and shake it off. I don't really have any answers to these questions, but I do have these scriptures that point me to the truth. 

The THEIF has come to still my joy. The THEIF broke into my mind and I let him. The THEIF convinced me that finally shaking off this remaining grief and heartache would be pointless, because God will just take it away again. But that is a LIE. IT'S A LIE PEOPLE!! SATAN IS A LIAR. Not a word of truth does he speak. I don't know what you worry about. I don't know what creeps in your mind and takes over your thoughts, but I do know this- if your thoughts are not whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable,  excellent or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8) they are NOT from God. 

God has given us a life to live ABUNDANTLY. He has given us limitless freedom to serve and love him in a radical way. We will never ever ever live abundantly if we keep letting Satan lie to us. I know what Satan uses in my life to cripple me. For me, he uses relationships, my sensitivity, my confidence, my need to please, my need to be liked...etc, etc. What does he use in your life? What ever it is, it's not letting you live fully and freely. 

God's not a glass half-empty/half-full kind of God. Find peace this week and knowing we serve a God who wants us to be FILLED with joy. Live fully and without limits in the grace and freedom that Jesus has given us through his death.

Keep it up my friends!

Sarah

Be More Heart and Less Attack

I have never been a prayer warrior. I prayed for people when they asked, I prayed when life sucked, and I prayed when someone said let's pray. Other than that, I just didn't pray, it wasn't a priority. Honestly, I would think and worry a lot and justify that as praying. I mean, God hears my thoughts and knows my needs right? So why wouldn't that be a prayer? I have been challenging myself to become bolder and more intentional in my prayer life. The blessings and answers I have seen since have been incredible. Here is what Jesus has to say about the boldness of prayer:

“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” -Mark 11: 22-25

Now on first read, I think, "WOW GOD! For real? Anything I ask for, if I believe hard enough it will happen? Done, a million dollars."

But wait, there's more:

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him." -1 John 5: 14-15

For the past few months I have been consciously changing my prayer life. Do you know what happened when I started praying for God's will to be done as opposed to my little plans to work out? I began to see God's will being done. I think I need to type that again with emphasis. GOD'S WILL WAS BEING DONE. 

Let me share with you a few testimonies: 

Excerpt from my journal: "God- I feel so lonely. I am so lonely. I know you are here. I know you hear me. But God this truly and utterly sucks. Please allow doors to open to let me feel your joy again. Please don't let my heart harden. I don't want to miss out when the people around me are trying to love me.  I believe you have made me sensitive and caring. I believe you have made me an "all in" lover of people. I don't want to become jaded and hard hearted. You call me into a life of abundance. Help me see and share this with someone. Holding onto you. Amen"
Answer: I cannot even begin to express the magnitude of joy I have experienced in my new friendships with Julie Franklin and Hayley Kelly. Truthfully...I was praying for a man. But God...he is so good and knows my heart so much better than I ever will. God opened the door to these two beautiful and honest friendships. I have never experienced anything like this. It is true discipleship.  I have found someone to share my heart with open and honestly, I have found someone who I know will pray for me, and I have found someone who loves me wholly and without limits.  It has been an awesome journey to be a witness to their ups and downs as they have been to mine. As sad as I am to leave them physically, I know that they have helped my heart stay mushy and kept it from hardening and building up a fort around it as I journey to seminary.

Prayer on the way home from Asbury: "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. My heart is so weary. My heart hurts so much. My mind is so tired. I'm drained. My body aches and groans to find peace. God- I want to do exactly what you want me to do. I want to see your call for my life in a greater and richer way. I want to sprint towards you and not look back. God as a prisoner for the Lord, I want to live a life worthy of the calling I have received (Ephesians 4:1). God- Do not let me have to make a decision. Do not let me have to decide between two paths. My heart cannot even handle it. I think I might fall apart Jesus. Open each door, widely and with a door stop. This I pray boldly. Amen"
Answer: LITERALLY, LITERALLY not LITERALLY, FIGURATIVELY. Every single thing worked out. People keep asking me, if I'm nervous, sad, or anxious, but I am none of those things. Yes there are tears...I am a Martin, but they are tears of excitement and joy! I am so at peace about this journey. Every door that needed to open opened, everyone's support I needed, I received. I have not had one negative or doubtful conversation about going back to school. When I told people what I was going to be doing, they were all like, "Oh man...yes...that makes sense." You know that verse I quoted last time from Romans? Read and believe! "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

Here is how prayer has changed Hayley Bond's life: "During the past 6 months I feel like I pray as much as I breathe.  I found myself in such a broken place during my separation and divorce, that without prayer I would have collapsed into the depths of depression.  Prayer is powerful and has been my shield and comfort through it all.  I see God moving in me now, not because he has made himself more known, but because I have submitted to his will.  He has been there all along. 

Being faced with supporting my daughter and I on my own for the first time was a scary thought.  I prayed so desperately for God to provide for us and for me to have the wisdom to discern what his will was.  I became frustrated when I received 0 calls for interviews in the months right after my divorce.   Worry began to creep in.  I began to seek God even more during this time, praying that he would reveal his plan to me.  I began to find peace and joy for the first time in a long time, but I still had no idea how I would provide for my family.  I was approached by a friend to think about applying for a children’s ministry position during this time.  I nodded politely and said I would think and pray about it, but inside I was thinking “there is no way God would want me to be a minister when I am divorced”.  How could I minister to others when I had been in such a broken place?   On my way home from church services that Wednesday night I began to think about the position and warm wave of peace washed over me.  I felt like God was calling me and that there was a plan that he wanted me to be a part of.  Even after that I tried to dismiss the idea.  Pursuing a teaching job would provide better financially.  I felt such a strong calling from God that I continued to pray about the job for 10 days.  On day 5 I was feeling particularly lost and down hearted.  After a run I lied down in the bottom of my shower and cried out to God.  I prayed “God, I know you have a plan that is greater than I can comprehend.  I now you are preparing me for something, but I am drowning! I need something.  I need a little glimpse of what you want for me because I am at rock bottom."  I dried myself off and sank on the couch.  A few minutes later I received a message from a friend at the church encouraging me to apply.  Every day after that for the next 5 days I received Facebook messages, phone calls, and texts from people asking me to consider the position.  God answered my prayer and gave me what I needed.  I found peace in doing God’s will and submitted to what he wanted.  I knew that if God wanted me in this position, that he would provide everything I needed.  Even if that meant living with my parents longer than I wanted to.  I was excited to follow him and ready for whatever that would look like.  I applied for the job praying that God would show the committee who was supposed to be in the position.  I did not pray to get the job because I wanted what was best for the church. After my interview, I was offered the position.   

Another way I have clearly seen God work is through my daughter. After my daughter had spent a week with her father, I was crying to a friend about how hard the transition was going to be when I picked her up. I knew she would miss him (He lives 5 hours away and sees her once a month since our divorce.) I knew she wouldn't totally understand and I couldn't bear the thought of her broken heart. I also knew there was a possibility that she wouldn't want to leave and not be excited to see me. My friend told me that she would pray for God to guard her heart and that it would all be ok. After hearing those words, I came to the hard realization that I didn't intentionally pray for my daughter. As a "fixer" I would pray for strength for myself to be a better mom, but not specifically for her.  How could I not be doing that?!? I truly prayed for her that night and felt at peace. The next day, I drove to pick her up and God blessed me beyond belief to have one of the smoothest transitions to date.  My prayers were answered for my sweet girl. She was happy and somehow "ok" about it all.  God is so good!"

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I would love to pray for you and your needs. Please feel free to message me or comment your prayers and know they will be prayed over with and in confidence. Be bold as you pray for God's will to be done. Keep going prayer warriors! -Sarah

Ever growing steadfast. And if need be the one that’s in the gap. Be the never turning back. Twice the heart any man could have