First off, this post was really difficult for me to write. I felt more vulnerable then normal. Mainly, because I'm writing about insecurities that I've been shoving under the rug. Let me start off with something familiar. Proverbs 31:25 (my mantra, my passion, my purpose) "She is CLOTHED in STRENGTH and DIGNITY..." Reading this post, let's be vulnerable together. Where being insecure leaves us naked out in the cold, being vulnerable acknowledges our nakedness and clothes us with strength! Let's begin!I've been on this journey of sitting and listening to the Lord. Sometimes I actually do hear stuff, clearly and directly, but mostly, I feel things. I feel nudges in my thoughts. So here we go. Time to get real. Here's the major nudge lately.
God’s been nudging my heart about singleness. (Not like,
“haha…you’re single” kind of nudging because that belongs to Satan. He is the
father of lies.) God's been stretching my mind, filling gaps and holes,
illuminating areas of growth, giving me freedom, and you guessed it, hope. Here’s the thing about God. He loves to watch us grow,
like nobody’s business. He loves it! But, he refuses to leave us at a plateau. There will always be room for new growth. That’s the business of hope you know. Look here:
“And we REJOICE in the hope of the glory of
God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our suffering, because we know that
suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
And hope does not disappoint us, because God has POURED OUT his love into our
hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”
Romans 5:2-5
I am living these verses out. The Holy Spirit has made
itself known in such a mighty way as I journey through processing my thoughts
and feelings about this stage of my life. I said it a few posts ago, but I really thought moving here would
solve everything immediately. I was wrong. Brokenness still remains, but there is so much
joy in my life, that I truly see beauty in this brokenness and I wouldn't change how I feel for a moment. So that’s good.
Here’s some truth though. I still struggle with a lot of insecurities. Mostly I have
this huge insecurity of worth. Let me be real with you. I really want to be worth
someone’s time. I want to be treasured. I want someone to acknowledge who I am,
my heart, my emotions, my fears, all of it. I thought that’s what I wanted at
least. I thought finding someone in this brokenness would be the
bees knees. This is where the Holy
Spirit has been like, “HEY! Look at me, look at me, start thinking about this
for a minute, see what you think.” What if I started taking those desires I
CRAVE from men, and I actually sought after and sat with those thoughts with the Lord? Because, do
you want to know something? He is always, ALWAYS validating us. It’s long, but
let's take a look at David's (a KING for goodness sake!) struggle with insecurity in Psalm 139 (I've added some emphasis that I want you to notice):
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you. (Psalm 139:1-18 NIV)
Psalm 139…let’s just thank the Lord for it for a minute. David's search for validation from God provides everything I crave from men. Our God, is constantly validating us if we would just
listen and sit. He knows when and where we go, he knows our thoughts, he sees
and loves our body, he knows our workings, he knows our weakness and failures,
strengths and accomplishments, and still chooses to love us. My biggest insecurity is not
being on someone’s priority list. Now, I don’t want someone to be obsessed with
me, but I want to feel like a factor. I've been a factor to the King of Kings since He knit me together, with precise and intricate detail in our secret place. That's pretty validating.
I won’t get into all my insecurities on here, they are many
in number. But, I know there are some of you who may read this and think,
“how does she know what I’m thinking?!” Don't worry, I can’t read your mind, but the
business of insecurity is so alive in this generation (women and men, but really I can only
speak for women). We live in a culture where we are taught that we are less
than, and we shouldn’t speak about our feelings of "less-than-ness". I have this vision. I have this vision
of a generation of women rising up, claiming their insecurities and nailing
them to the cross of our Savior. It’s a pretty earth shattering vision. The bravest thing you can say to someone in your broken journeys is, "me too." Be vulnerable in the struggle.
Okay! So if you are feeling less than,
please know that is not our Heavenly Father speaking over you. Satan is really
good at what he does. Here is an example: One night I was having a pity party.
I had been struggling with some mistakes made, things said and not said,
forgiveness that needed to be given, etc etc. You know how pity parties work,
right? I’m not the only one! And I heard so clearly, “You know Sarah, the wage
of sin is death. And this sin, this
insecurity, and this weaknesses of yours they define you. They’re
not worth getting over, because, you have already lost the battle. Truth is, you are not worth it. Haven’t you learned that by now from all your failed relationships? No one wants to be with you, because you need to much. You are not that important. You confidence is undeserving.” To be
honest with you I allowed those thoughts to sit with me and break my spirit and my heart. Those words sounded so familiar. “The wage of sin is death…” man that sounds familiar doesn’t it? Here
is why: “For the wage of sin is death….BUT the gift of God is eternal life in
Christ Jesus our Lord”-Romans 6:23. It sounded familiar because it is SCRIPTURE. Satan
knows scripture, but he leaves out really, REALLY important parts. The wage of sin is death, but we were deemed worthy and given the gift of eternal life. How much more validation do I need than Jesus Christ choosing me, choosing to forgive ME, on that cross on Calvary? With mockers on his left and right. He laid on that cross and chose me. I don’t know about you, but when I put it in that light, nothing else matters. I’m worthy. And so are you. Jesus didn’t pick his favorites or say iniminiminimo, I pick the very best one. He didn’t close his eyes, point his finger, and spin around. He chose you. You are precious. You are worthy. That insecurity that is mocking you, that sin that keeps tripping you up, it’s not of a Holy presence. Know that.
So, promise
me something, let’s conquer this lie that’s been whispered (and sometimes
yelled) to us. Let’s acknowledge the thoughts, don’t ignore them, but then after saying "hey" to that thought, let's say a firm "goodbye" and let’s let
go of it and nail it on the cross. Let’s be brave together. I promise to go on this journey with you. Let’s step out on
grace. Let’s live in the freedom of forgiveness. Cool?
If you want to continue this conversation in real
life, I’d love to chat with you. Let’s not hide anymore.
To close…
Don’t ignore those little nudges because it's most likely going to change your life.
Know your loved...
...by the Father
...by the King
...by the Holy of Holies.
Be confident and secure because our Rock cannot and will not be shaken.
I love you. I really do. But more importantly so does God.
Seriously. I promise you. Pinky promise. There is not a truer promise than the love that is lavished over us.
Who the Son sets free, he is free indeed.
