Truth time.
I love writing this blog, seriously. I believe that the Lord has gifted me with this season of writing, and I believe He wants me to share it with others. Even if it's just one person, that's one person who doesn't feel alone in their brokenness. BUT. I get to write about what I want to write about. I get to be as vulnerable as I want to be. I get to show you as much of me as I want you to see. What I put on the table is in my control. Having a "talk back session"...well that means letting people ask questions that may not be on the table and it may mean getting into some nitty gritty parts of my life. And this is the part that scares me. Vulnerability has kind of becoming a buzz word around these parts, and I think it's been watered down a bit. Don't get my wrong, vulnerability is great, but there is a difference in being vulnerable about stuff you've overcome and conquered and being vulnerable about stuff you are currently working through. And it's scary to walk out into that open water.
I'm in this leadership mentor group with some really great women. We meet a couple times of month and share our struggles and take joy in our strengths without fear of judgment. This week's challenge is to do something that would make us grow as leaders. I was talking with one of the women saying, "I'm just going to stop complaining" or "I'm just going to try and be nice to so and so." She responded with, "is that suppressing or growing?" Well it's suppressing and now I have no idea what to do. She said, not knowing the uncomfortableness about the idea my professor suggested, "you should have a question/answer blog post, let people ask questions anonymously, and you respond."
Ugh.
Immediately I went into fear mode, because this whole concept scares me. "Well I don't have very many readers, what if no one asks anything?" "What if they ask something I don't want to talk about?" "What if I don't know the answer?" "What if they don't like my answer?" "What if they think I'm dumb, stupid, etc etc"
Her response, "It's about the doing of it that grows you as a leader"
- You can ask me questions about things you're experiencing, and hopefully I can relate and respond.
- You can send me prayer request and I will pray for you.
- You can ask me questions about me, and I will do my best to give you an honest answer.
- You can share with me a story and I will praise the name of Jesus with you.
- You can criticize and critique my viewpoints and...I'll probably cry BUT I will read it and respect your opinions.
- Respond to the post anonymously (or not, that's on your end).
- Facebook message me.
- Email me at martin.jean.sarah@gmail.com.
My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.
Colossians 2:2-3
Have to admit, this is the first of your posts that I've read (I'm not big into blogging). But you're asking to be challenged, so let's be real together. I just realized (like five minutes ago) that even though I'm part of a lot of groups (and maybe one of those with you), I'm incredibility lonely. (And I know you're a crier, so is it safe to admit I'm crying as I write this?) None of my groups overlap and I don't see most of the people I interact with out side of the event where I encounter them. Do you ever feel lonely in a crowd? Or know that hundreds of people across multiple states love you and have your back if you ever asked, but still feel like it's not enough? Almost like they don't know you? You just wish that the word "friend" meant... more?
ReplyDeleteYay!!!!! A question!!! Thank you for honoring me with your thoughts. I can relate to this in so many ways. First, my heart hurts for you and you have my prayers. I have felt this way...honestly the majority of my life. I had people I hung out with, let's call them friends, but truthfully they were Loneliness protectors. This is why I felt like I always needed a boyfriend because they HAD to hang out with me right? I felt like I annoyed people by wanting to hang out but I just wanted to be connected...in any ways possible. I wanted people to notice and like me even when I didn't like myself. And that was the kicker for me, I think I felt so lonely in a crowd and around my friends because I didn't really know myself. And as cliche as it sounds, I was so lonely because I didn't know Jesus in an intimate ways. Sure I was working in ministry and pouring my heart out, but Jesus wasn't my friend....he was my....distant cousin. Last year my heart longed for connection so desperately after my relationship with my boyfriend ended, I began to just throw myself into prayer and word. I wrestled with God and yelled with God, and the greatest thing began to happen, I began to like myself and I began to LOVE my God, so deeply and so freely. I began to feel less alone the more I loved myself. I'm not sure if that helps. But what I noticed was, I loved who I was and that was "attractive" to people. Friendships began to form that were never established before. I felt okay not being a "group" or being In an actual crowd because I knew who I was My acquaintances became deep and meaningful friendships because I was allowing the Lord to be present in my life and there's. Truthfully I think loneliness just comes from a deep sense of brokenness in not knowing who we are. There's a difference between solitude and loneliness and that's my prayer for you that in those moments we are in a crowd, with a group, or you just feel lonely that that loneliness becomes solitude and comfort in who you are.
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