Stick a needle in my eye

I am officially all moved out and living with my wonderful parents for 2 weeks before I depart for Asbury. Packing became way more challenging than I anticipated. Shout out to my Mom for being the best helper EVER, she deserves way more than I can ever give her. Packing became a challenge because the weightiness of what is about to happen dawned on me. I'm starting over. I know that God knows my heart so well, but guess who else does? Satan. Satan knows so much about me. And boy, did I let him take this moving process and completely control my emotional state through it. 

For example. Last Friday evening my goal was to pack up my closet. I have a "system." I throw everything in the middle of the floor and sort. However, I just ended up laying on my clothes weeping and praying. "God, why am I starting to doubt? This is so clearly your calling for me life, but the doubt is creeping in and it hurts." Instead of listening to God's still small voice (After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:12) I listened to Satan's bellowing yell. I hate it when I do that. All this doubt, fear, and sadness crept in and I had an official pity party. I feared being happy. Yes, I have been joyful, but there are more moments in my life lately where I feel down than I do happy. I hope that makes sense. However, I have started feeling better and better and I know that will continue in Wilmore. Satan had gotten into my mind not that I couldn't be happy but that I shouldn't be happy.  I feared that if I truly let go of these bitter and grieving feelings that it will be pointless. I feared that if I just let myself enjoy the moment and think positively it will just boomerang to the negativity. Ultimately, I feared that my happiness and joy would be taken away. I was so happy, before and I let Satan convince me that those feelings of excitement and eagerness can be taken away in a snap. I let him say over and over, "if you enjoy these moments, you will regret it later. God took your happiness away once, and he will do it again." My friend came over in the nix of time. She told me Satan was poking me in the eye and that he was so clearly controlling my brain that it wasn't even me talking. I began to see the irrationality of my thought process. It's scary sometimes how Satan's voice can sound so similar to God's if we allow him to. 

That whole weekend was a battle of doubt and discouragement for me. I couldn't get out of it. I had glimpses of grace and would breath easy, but as soon as I relaxed, the worry started again. This began a discussion with God and others. Why is it easier to feel discouraged than strong and content in the Lord? Why is it easier to worry instead of giving it up to God? Why is it easier to listen to Satan speak lies over us, instead of listening to God sing His love over us? Maybe it's just me that feels this way. It's easier for me to sit and wallow than to get up and shake it off. I don't really have any answers to these questions, but I do have these scriptures that point me to the truth. 

The THEIF has come to still my joy. The THEIF broke into my mind and I let him. The THEIF convinced me that finally shaking off this remaining grief and heartache would be pointless, because God will just take it away again. But that is a LIE. IT'S A LIE PEOPLE!! SATAN IS A LIAR. Not a word of truth does he speak. I don't know what you worry about. I don't know what creeps in your mind and takes over your thoughts, but I do know this- if your thoughts are not whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable,  excellent or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8) they are NOT from God. 

God has given us a life to live ABUNDANTLY. He has given us limitless freedom to serve and love him in a radical way. We will never ever ever live abundantly if we keep letting Satan lie to us. I know what Satan uses in my life to cripple me. For me, he uses relationships, my sensitivity, my confidence, my need to please, my need to be liked...etc, etc. What does he use in your life? What ever it is, it's not letting you live fully and freely. 

God's not a glass half-empty/half-full kind of God. Find peace this week and knowing we serve a God who wants us to be FILLED with joy. Live fully and without limits in the grace and freedom that Jesus has given us through his death.

Keep it up my friends!

Sarah

Be More Heart and Less Attack

I have never been a prayer warrior. I prayed for people when they asked, I prayed when life sucked, and I prayed when someone said let's pray. Other than that, I just didn't pray, it wasn't a priority. Honestly, I would think and worry a lot and justify that as praying. I mean, God hears my thoughts and knows my needs right? So why wouldn't that be a prayer? I have been challenging myself to become bolder and more intentional in my prayer life. The blessings and answers I have seen since have been incredible. Here is what Jesus has to say about the boldness of prayer:

“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” -Mark 11: 22-25

Now on first read, I think, "WOW GOD! For real? Anything I ask for, if I believe hard enough it will happen? Done, a million dollars."

But wait, there's more:

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him." -1 John 5: 14-15

For the past few months I have been consciously changing my prayer life. Do you know what happened when I started praying for God's will to be done as opposed to my little plans to work out? I began to see God's will being done. I think I need to type that again with emphasis. GOD'S WILL WAS BEING DONE. 

Let me share with you a few testimonies: 

Excerpt from my journal: "God- I feel so lonely. I am so lonely. I know you are here. I know you hear me. But God this truly and utterly sucks. Please allow doors to open to let me feel your joy again. Please don't let my heart harden. I don't want to miss out when the people around me are trying to love me.  I believe you have made me sensitive and caring. I believe you have made me an "all in" lover of people. I don't want to become jaded and hard hearted. You call me into a life of abundance. Help me see and share this with someone. Holding onto you. Amen"
Answer: I cannot even begin to express the magnitude of joy I have experienced in my new friendships with Julie Franklin and Hayley Kelly. Truthfully...I was praying for a man. But God...he is so good and knows my heart so much better than I ever will. God opened the door to these two beautiful and honest friendships. I have never experienced anything like this. It is true discipleship.  I have found someone to share my heart with open and honestly, I have found someone who I know will pray for me, and I have found someone who loves me wholly and without limits.  It has been an awesome journey to be a witness to their ups and downs as they have been to mine. As sad as I am to leave them physically, I know that they have helped my heart stay mushy and kept it from hardening and building up a fort around it as I journey to seminary.

Prayer on the way home from Asbury: "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. My heart is so weary. My heart hurts so much. My mind is so tired. I'm drained. My body aches and groans to find peace. God- I want to do exactly what you want me to do. I want to see your call for my life in a greater and richer way. I want to sprint towards you and not look back. God as a prisoner for the Lord, I want to live a life worthy of the calling I have received (Ephesians 4:1). God- Do not let me have to make a decision. Do not let me have to decide between two paths. My heart cannot even handle it. I think I might fall apart Jesus. Open each door, widely and with a door stop. This I pray boldly. Amen"
Answer: LITERALLY, LITERALLY not LITERALLY, FIGURATIVELY. Every single thing worked out. People keep asking me, if I'm nervous, sad, or anxious, but I am none of those things. Yes there are tears...I am a Martin, but they are tears of excitement and joy! I am so at peace about this journey. Every door that needed to open opened, everyone's support I needed, I received. I have not had one negative or doubtful conversation about going back to school. When I told people what I was going to be doing, they were all like, "Oh man...yes...that makes sense." You know that verse I quoted last time from Romans? Read and believe! "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

Here is how prayer has changed Hayley Bond's life: "During the past 6 months I feel like I pray as much as I breathe.  I found myself in such a broken place during my separation and divorce, that without prayer I would have collapsed into the depths of depression.  Prayer is powerful and has been my shield and comfort through it all.  I see God moving in me now, not because he has made himself more known, but because I have submitted to his will.  He has been there all along. 

Being faced with supporting my daughter and I on my own for the first time was a scary thought.  I prayed so desperately for God to provide for us and for me to have the wisdom to discern what his will was.  I became frustrated when I received 0 calls for interviews in the months right after my divorce.   Worry began to creep in.  I began to seek God even more during this time, praying that he would reveal his plan to me.  I began to find peace and joy for the first time in a long time, but I still had no idea how I would provide for my family.  I was approached by a friend to think about applying for a children’s ministry position during this time.  I nodded politely and said I would think and pray about it, but inside I was thinking “there is no way God would want me to be a minister when I am divorced”.  How could I minister to others when I had been in such a broken place?   On my way home from church services that Wednesday night I began to think about the position and warm wave of peace washed over me.  I felt like God was calling me and that there was a plan that he wanted me to be a part of.  Even after that I tried to dismiss the idea.  Pursuing a teaching job would provide better financially.  I felt such a strong calling from God that I continued to pray about the job for 10 days.  On day 5 I was feeling particularly lost and down hearted.  After a run I lied down in the bottom of my shower and cried out to God.  I prayed “God, I know you have a plan that is greater than I can comprehend.  I now you are preparing me for something, but I am drowning! I need something.  I need a little glimpse of what you want for me because I am at rock bottom."  I dried myself off and sank on the couch.  A few minutes later I received a message from a friend at the church encouraging me to apply.  Every day after that for the next 5 days I received Facebook messages, phone calls, and texts from people asking me to consider the position.  God answered my prayer and gave me what I needed.  I found peace in doing God’s will and submitted to what he wanted.  I knew that if God wanted me in this position, that he would provide everything I needed.  Even if that meant living with my parents longer than I wanted to.  I was excited to follow him and ready for whatever that would look like.  I applied for the job praying that God would show the committee who was supposed to be in the position.  I did not pray to get the job because I wanted what was best for the church. After my interview, I was offered the position.   

Another way I have clearly seen God work is through my daughter. After my daughter had spent a week with her father, I was crying to a friend about how hard the transition was going to be when I picked her up. I knew she would miss him (He lives 5 hours away and sees her once a month since our divorce.) I knew she wouldn't totally understand and I couldn't bear the thought of her broken heart. I also knew there was a possibility that she wouldn't want to leave and not be excited to see me. My friend told me that she would pray for God to guard her heart and that it would all be ok. After hearing those words, I came to the hard realization that I didn't intentionally pray for my daughter. As a "fixer" I would pray for strength for myself to be a better mom, but not specifically for her.  How could I not be doing that?!? I truly prayed for her that night and felt at peace. The next day, I drove to pick her up and God blessed me beyond belief to have one of the smoothest transitions to date.  My prayers were answered for my sweet girl. She was happy and somehow "ok" about it all.  God is so good!"

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I would love to pray for you and your needs. Please feel free to message me or comment your prayers and know they will be prayed over with and in confidence. Be bold as you pray for God's will to be done. Keep going prayer warriors! -Sarah

Ever growing steadfast. And if need be the one that’s in the gap. Be the never turning back. Twice the heart any man could have

Let go and let God...in THREE EASY STEPS!

Have you ever had someone give you those quaint little "church sayings?"
"God's got a plan." 
"This was God's plan." 
"Good things come to those who wait!" 
"Let Go! And Let God!" 

Yea... me too! I'll be honest, I hate those sayings. I don't hate them because they are false , I hate them because they don't help the situation. Generally speaking, if you hear one of those sayings, you are going through a rough patch.

I am of a generation that demands instant gratification. I am also a doer and a fixer. I am active and reactive. All these things, don't mix well. I want what I want, and I want it now! Actually I went to the doctor one time and she said, "I want you feeling better, yesterday." EXACTLY. She gets it! I want what I want and I want it YESTERDAY.

I will tell you the most frustrating thing I find about God. Yes, I find him frustrating. He is beautiful and I love Him, but He makes me so frustrated. He is sneaky. I have found the more I plan for my life to ease my anxiety, the more anxious I become. See, I love a good plan. 95% of the time, when I go out to eat, I read the menu, because I want to know what I'm getting into. Lately though, the more I let go of planning, the more joyful and hopeful I feel. It's scary and I hate it. Don't take this as laziness, because, yes, I have a general plan of what's going to happen, I'm going back to school, and I'm going to work my little booty off, and I am going to do what God has called me to do. But beyond the 2 years of school....I have not a clue.

All this time I spend making plans, God is just quietly whispering..."Be Still, and know that I am God. You need only be still my anxious daughter. You need only to be still." (Ps 46:10) If you have ever sat next to me for a short period of time, you know I have a shaky leg. It shakes, not because I'm nervous, but because I find great difficulty in being still. But, that is all God has asked me to do. Be still, mentally, physically, emotionally...just BE.

Letting go is not as easy as saying "let it go." I wish it was for your sake and mine. God calls us to live joyful lives and sometimes we will have pain and suffering in the midst of that joy. Don't bypass the pain, sometimes pain needs to be felt.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings,because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.Romans 5: 1-5

So the title of this blog is kind of a joke. You can't become a better person in 3 easy steps, no matter what book you read, you just can't. But here are 3 things you can remember in your process of letting go.

1. Keep your eyes on the prize. Our future glory with God!
2. Be patient. God is doing big things, but the results you see may seem small.
3. Live in each moment. Even the super, duper crappy moments. They are part of the refinement process. If you aren't happy, then be sad. If you want to cry, just do it. If you want to scream, do it, but at God or in a pillow. "Fake it until you make it" is the worst euphemism ever said. Be present, be real, be honest. 

Keep going warrior!

Sweet Jesus 

May we find hope because we hope in You. May we find rest because we rest in You. May we find joy because You are our Joy.

Amen. 

Validation

It's no secret that I have had some pretty significant life changes over the past few months. It's also no secret that the kick start to these life changes was a broken heart. Even when I was devastated, I had a crazy, confident strength that God was doing something much bigger than I could imagine. I was right...clearly, because seminary was not even on my radar, at all. Even though I KNEW God was moving and working, I was still hurting. My heart and soul physically ached. Romans 8:26 says this, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." I kid you not. From March-May my prayer life was this desperate groan for God. I literally would lay on my bed and open my mouth and just...groan. I don't say this to make you feel sorry for me, because truly my heart is on such an incredible journey. I can't even imagine my life differently, nor do I want to. I say all this to bring about today's blog topic, validation.

It was during my counseling sessions where I just broke down and said, "I never want to do this again. EVER. I'm angry, hurt, lost, sad, and frankly, I'M PISSED!" My therapist said that I was grieving two things, the loss of the relationship itself, and the loss of the validation. While  I'm  healed from not having that person in my life, it's the loss of the validation in my life that I'm hurting over. Validation is a powerful source of confidence and it's a verbal and physical proof of worthiness. I had been in an "A frame" relationship and when that other side of the "A" left, I fell flat on my face. So how can I learn to love people (not just romantic relationships, all relationships!) wholly, like I do naturally, but still not rely on their validation? I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. And I've got to tell you this "own two feet journey" has been INCREDIBLE. I have made new, deep, and lasting friendships. I have established a richer prayer life. I have experienced true discipleship. AND I am in the best shape of my life! Healthy body=Healthy Spirit! I mean, dang, I did a mud run this past week, just to prove to myself that I am strong on my own (and with an awesome gal pal!). 5.6 miles, 22 obstacles, 100% PURE and HOLY FUN!

Before

After

God has called us to live in community and fellowship with others, but he has also called us to live completely reliant on HIM. It's easier for me to call a friend and vent than it is to go to God in prayer. There is an immediate response and sense of comfort with the friend. I'm not saying we can't call our friends and vent, but there needs to be a balance between prayer and study, and discussion with friends. Because then we are in those moments where we are physically alone, which we will all have those moments, we will have a strong confidence in what God is doing. 

I love Romans 8. Romans 8: 24-25 says, "...hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." I am an anxious woman, but my hope is that God continues to build strength and dignity in me through each circumstance I face in life. My steady, two feet are waiting for me at Asbury. I will be on my own, away from everything that is comfortable and I can't think of a better way to find myself and who God wants me to be. My prayer is that I can continue to have hope that the promises of God's good and healing plan for my life and the daily forgiveness of my sins is validation enough. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.-Romans 8:28 

But he was pierced for our transgressions,  he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. -Isaiah 53:5

We are chosen. We are loved. We are forgiven. We are worthy. 

Open Hearts. Open Minds. Open Doors.

The United Methodist Church uses the slogan, "Open Hearts. Open Minds. Open Doors." It is how we view our ministry. I love this phrase. Lately, I've been trying to live it daily. UMC affiliation or not, how often are you living your life honestly and authentically? How many hours of your day do you find yourself putting on airs to appeal to others' needs?

So, in my prayers to live life more honestly with others, God laid blogging on my heart. As I was thinking of blogging, I had three separate people tell me I should start one. I have this rule of three. If three people say the same exact thing, that's when I begin to think God is trying to tell me something. It may not be weekly, and honestly it may not be monthly, but I will share my heart as I feel led. Maybe this will serve as a journal for me, maybe it will help you find peace in being honest in your life, or maybe no one will read this at all! I don't know! But, I'm excited to start this!

I have some pretty shocking news for you...you are a broken person! Yep! YOU! Do you want to know the beauty of brokenness? God makes beauty from ashes. God makes beauty from our broken imperfections.

So here you go. Let's start of with some of my brokenness! My name is Sarah. It means princess, sometimes I act too much like one. I cuss too much. Sometimes I have a glass of wine in the middle of the week! I eat too much fried food. I online shop too much. I worry a lot. I worry about my future. I'm scared that my expectations of life won't be met.  Having endometriosis scares me, even though I tell people it doesn't. I struggle with insecurity and anxiety. I have to take an anti-depressant for my anxiety, and I am thankful I started it. I see a counselor, and that's okay. I'm a mess, but I'm a beautiful mess.

#openhearts #openminds #opendoors