Do the Stuff that Scares you

A few months ago I was discussing with a professor a goal I have and  I was asking him how I could be more authentic with people. He suggested, "you should have a talk back session." I responded, "yea, great, sure sure." I started thinking about that idea and got this eery pit in my stomach that I get when I know someone's right, but it means getting out of my comfort zone. It means stretching where I am and into who I'm becoming.

Truth time.

I love writing this blog, seriously. I believe that the Lord has gifted me with this season of writing, and I believe He wants me to share it with others. Even if it's just one person, that's one person who doesn't feel alone in their brokenness. BUT. I get to write about what I want to write about. I get to be as vulnerable as I want to be. I get to show you as much of me as I want you to see. What I put on the table is in my control. Having a "talk back session"...well that means letting people ask questions that may not be on the table and it may mean getting into some nitty gritty parts of my life. And this is the part that scares me.  Vulnerability has kind of becoming a buzz word around these parts, and I think it's been watered down a bit. Don't get my wrong, vulnerability is great, but there is a difference in being vulnerable about stuff you've overcome and conquered and being vulnerable about stuff you are currently working through. And it's scary to walk out into that open water.

I'm in this leadership mentor group with some really great women. We meet a couple times of month and share our struggles and take joy in our strengths without fear of judgment. This week's challenge is to do something that would make us grow as leaders. I was talking with one of the women saying, "I'm just going to stop complaining" or "I'm just going to try and be nice to so and so." She responded with, "is that suppressing or growing?" Well it's suppressing and now I have no idea what to do. She said, not knowing the uncomfortableness about the idea my professor suggested, "you should have a question/answer blog post, let people ask questions anonymously, and you respond."

Ugh.

Immediately I went into fear mode, because this whole concept scares me. "Well I don't have very many readers, what if no one asks anything?" "What if they ask something I don't want to talk about?" "What if I don't know the answer?" "What if they don't like my answer?" "What if they think I'm dumb, stupid, etc etc"

Her response, "It's about the doing of it that grows you as a leader"

So friends, because we will never grow in our comfort zone...here it is. Here is my first of (hopefully not but most likely) many talk back sessions.

• You can ask me questions about things you're experiencing, and hopefully I can relate and respond.
• You can send me prayer request and I will pray for you.
• You can ask me questions about me, and I will do my best to give you an honest answer.
• You can share with me a story and I will praise the name of Jesus with you.
• You can criticize and critique my viewpoints and...I'll probably cry BUT I will read it and respect your opinions.

Take your pick, add some more...this is new to me and it's scary, but it's in the doing that we grow.

• Respond to the post anonymously (or not, that's on your end). 
• Facebook message me. 
• Email me at martin.jean.sarah@gmail.com.

My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. 

Colossians 2:2-3

Come Awake

My dear friend Bill Bagwell sent me this picture of "Jesus Dancing with Lazarus" a year ago. It's a great image, and with the combination of the story of Lazarus and watching Wild, I've been reflecting on my own story. 

Do you remember the story of Jesus and Lazarus? It's found in John 11. Martha and Mary came to Jesus, asking for help because "the one Jesus loved" was dying. Jesus's response is touching, but his actions questionable? "When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”  Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days, and then he said to his disciples, “Let us go back to Judea.” Jesus waited two days to go to Bethany to heal Lazarus. TWO DAYS!

Martha and Mary were pretty upset when Jesus finally arrived, as I probably would be too. They "knew" Laz would rise at the resurrection, but that wasn't good enough, they were disappointed, hurt, and angry.

In their grief, Jesus shows compassion on Lazarus and his sisters. Laz had been dead in the tomb for 4 days and Martha in her frustration explains to him how death works, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.” Can you hear her sass? I’ve also related to Martha and her sass (if you know me, you know this sass well). And Jesus in his truth with love explains, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” and with authority he says, "Lazarus, get up, take off your grave clothes and move." 

Have you ever been Lazarus? Or Martha? Or Mary? Have you ever felt like you are waiting for something to happen? Maybe it's physical healing for you or someone else? Emotional healing? Maybe you have no idea what you are waiting for, but you're just....waiting?

Sometimes we are waiting. And during the wait we feel far from everything, far from healing, peace, callings…God. And sometimes Jesus is waiting too. Which seems weird and counterproductive, but He is waiting with a plan so that He can reveal something even greater than what our earthly minds can fathom. There is a hope in our waiting and our grief.  

Waiting in the mire isn't fun, but as we groan everyday, we grow everyday. I have hope for us, for I know when this waiting season is over Jesus is going to say, "Get up! Take off those grave clothes! And go!" And we will go,  as more mature healing hearts. We will go forward with abandonment, because we are following the voice that calls us from the dead. Lazarus could not have been the same person after this, and neither will we. Maybe you're coming out of the waiting, maybe that moment is just around the corner, or maybe it’s in the distance, but until that day, let's sit, wait, listen, and watch. 

Like Martha and Mary, I believe that Jesus is who He says He is and can do what He promises He will do. So what are you sitting in, waiting on, coming out of? Whatever it is. You're not alone and you are not stuck, just waiting.

Have hope. Be changed. Move forward.

And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. 

Ezekiel 36:26

Sarah

Transformation

TRANSFORM: transitive verb

a :  to change in composition or structure

b :  to change the outward form or appearance of

c :  to change in character or condition :  convert

Well, I've been struggling about what to write about lately. I have so many thoughts in my head and heart. So, while I process what I can't yet verbalize, let me share with you a little of my heart. Here is my testimony that was filmed and shared at Offerings First United Methodist. 

Let me just emphasis something...I know I tend to talk a lot about pain, but true brokenness hurts. Frankly, it sucks. There is no sugar coating a broken heart and a broken spirit. But, here is some encouragement, my broken heart, my depression, my healing journey, my moving to Kentucky, my starting school, and my journey to becoming this woman I never imaged for myself, it has all happened in less than a year. LESS THAN A YEAR. I have LIVED this year, I’ve done it all and I cannot imagine what the rest of this journey is going to be like. 

You are worthy. You are so worthy.

Thank you to Offerings of FUMC Lexington for filming and sharing my story. I am thankful to have found a new church to call home. I'm excited to explore new ministries and find new passions.